Unhappy

I have been deleting people from facebook and in my life in general so that I can rid myself of the toxic environment I was in. Yes, most of these people are in the queer community. I have never done well with queer communities, I cannot handle how involved everyone is in your life. Also, I would prefer being involved in a group where if there is a problem between two people, it is only a problem between those two people.
I've changed. I have never denied that, and I like how I have changed. But there are so many things that make that difficult. People often treat me like they did before, which only makes my life harder. Theatre kids have realized this and they respond to who I am now. In many ways, they have never known me any other way. Theatre is the only place that I am safe to be myself. As crazy as it may be sometimes, I am never truly judged for it. I have also never felt more supported and cared about in any friend-base I have ever had.
I guess the thing that is so difficult with this is how offended people are about being taken off facebook, when they rarely talk to me. And to be honest, most of my "friends" require me to come around more or need me to come see them, but they don't bother to come see me or contact me. Some people are even mad at me and not talking to me, but god-forbid I cut them off!

If I am following my Laws to Live By, there is a rule stating that "if something or someone makes you unhappy, discontinue with it." Well I made these rules for a reason, might as well follow them.

Apparently I can't be a Mother....EVER. WTF?

So I cannot handle the amount of people who forbid me from having kids. I recently on my other blog(comment not posted) received a comment on something I wrote about a year ago about Glenn Sacks. It was one of my posts against MRA's(Men's Rights Activists) and someone commented. I have reason to believe it is a man, because why would a woman yell at me about women's work ethics? This man also posted anonymously because that is the only way men like to attack me. At the end of it he declares that he is praying to God that I will not ever be able to have children(male or female). I find that offensive! If I said that to ever person I dont agree with, I dont know if anyone would be allowed to reproduce, hell I wouldn't be born... This wouldn't bother me so bad if I didn't get told this at least once a month, often by people who claim to be my friends. Sure for a while I didn't plan to have children and I didn't want children, but things change, people change. I might want to have children, and to have people say that I would be the worst mother ever, really bothers me. Of course no one would understand how that is hurtful to me.

I've changed....

Life has been so crazy that I have forgotten to turn in my papers/work on the name change thing. I just dont have time.
I do have to say I have some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. Suzanne, who is the sweetest girl ever, not only has endless confidence in me, but has embraced my name on a level I would have never expected.
I will say that I am having a bit of trouble on the queer and feminist fronts. A couple feminists do not call me Max or Maxine, but still insist on "Kerri" which writing it out right now looks weird. It really feels like its not part of my name. Other than my name, a lot of other changes have been happening to me. I like them, many are strange for where I was not six months ago. I have forgiven people and appologized for my quick temper and judgement. I try not to hate people and I am working on not getting angry unless it is justified. I've accepted my bisexuality and I care about a guy. I even like children, like babies. I have held Noah, Brittany's baby and June, Alecia's baby. Both times it felt alright. I didn't feel threatened or uncomfortable. I felt natural. But God-forbid I tell my queer friends any positive experience with men or children. Yes, I was a heinious bitch towards both parties, but I have changed. I wish people could see it. I tell Suzanne about how I was and she cannot believe that I was ever that way.  But I was and I have learned how much pain I have caused by being, that way. I hate the judgement. I have gone to Church the past two Sundays, but I needed to have the Doubt excuse to be allowed to go. LaNae started to freak over me going to Church, Addy threatened to jump out the window about the babies thing. I have to wonder what would happen if I was to date a man.

Frustration

I expect this to be hard on people who have known me for a while since it is a dramatic change. But my one roommate had only met me once before the movein when I was still being called "kerri" and he cannot for the life of me remember that my name is Max. I dont think its all that hard. Almost the entire theatre department has gotten it down by now. A couple queers are having some trouble with it but overall everone is doing pretty well.

Full Time

Been in school for a week. Talked to both of my teachers about being called Max and they are really cool with it. Everyone in theatre is adapting well too. People I'm closer to have a harder time but they are picking it up well. I no longer have my job at the salon so I am truly Max all the time now. I love it. Its weird hearing it all the time but it feels good. I'm not used to responding to a name all that much because before it was the 'ary' sound I would hear and I'd respond to things like 'Gary,' which is just awkward. Max isn't as much of a problem and I've only met one other Max and he's a guy.

Beautician or Mechanic?

Sounds like a weird question, but I really dont know what I would rather do. Beautician is pink collar work, minimum wage, high stress and from my salon experience: a bunch of overly stuckup elitist snobs with no real fashion sense. Mechanic is a blue collar job, decent pay, little respect and a hard field for a woman. Both require me to go to a trade school, and to be honest both would require me to move since I dont like the cosmetology programs in Minnesota.
A mechanic would take more schooling. It looks like about 2 more years of my life, but overall the costs of being a mechanic and going to cosmetology school are about the same. I'm really not sure what I want to do about it. I think I really want to be a mechanic. I kinda have since I was a kid. But more importantly I like to take things apart and try to figure out how they work. I like to work with my hands, wear casual clothes and frankly not have to put on a fake smile when I am having a really crappy day. I want the backwards baseball cap and coveralls. I want to work with tools and get grease all over me, I want to be able to help people. I thought that I could help women by making them feel good about themselves and reclaiming their appearance as their own, but its not a reality. No woman goes into a salon thinking "I am doing this for me and not to look more pleasing." At least if I can fix cars and a woman is on the side of the road because her car broke down, I can help her without her having to fear being raped or killed by accepting aid from a stranger. I can talk to women and not belittle their knowledge.

Betrayed

I told someone today about the name thing and she was one of the people who I thought would be the most supportive, but no. She is refusing to call me Maxine and says that though she loves me, she's going to keep calling me "Kerri." It hurts soooo bad. I almost cried and if I wasn't on my way to the gym with my weight partner I might have. But I dont want her to think I'm weak for crying. Part of me is angry, another part of me is just hurt. I can't believe she would say something like that. I expect that from my family and frankly I'd probably be ok with my parents still calling me what they named me. She was one of the people who I wanted support from the most. She was like my feminist sister. And more importantly she's supposed to be a feminist. I'm making the CHOICE to change my name and take control of my life and she's not supporting my right to make that decision.