Betrayed

I told someone today about the name thing and she was one of the people who I thought would be the most supportive, but no. She is refusing to call me Maxine and says that though she loves me, she's going to keep calling me "Kerri." It hurts soooo bad. I almost cried and if I wasn't on my way to the gym with my weight partner I might have. But I dont want her to think I'm weak for crying. Part of me is angry, another part of me is just hurt. I can't believe she would say something like that. I expect that from my family and frankly I'd probably be ok with my parents still calling me what they named me. She was one of the people who I wanted support from the most. She was like my feminist sister. And more importantly she's supposed to be a feminist. I'm making the CHOICE to change my name and take control of my life and she's not supporting my right to make that decision.

Facebook....the biggest leap

So I changed my name on my facebook today and I'm really scared. I have removed some family and people I dont really talk to. But I worry about having my parents on my facebook since I haven't told them yet offically anyways. I casually mentioned it to my mother and she didn't seem too thrilled with it, but I can't keep going on trying to live a double life. I get that work isn't going to be changed until I get it legal but my friends and family need to know. Its hard enough for people who know, to address me in front of people who dont.

Fears

I'm scared to tell people. I feel like people aren't going to take it well. And in a way I just feel stupid for wanting to change my name. I mean there is a lot about me that I hate or don't like, so what if I hate my name? What makes it so hard is having trans friends who change their names because of the gendered nature of their birth names. Its not because they hate their names. I guess I feel shallow and pathetic. I'm causing trouble for people that I really shouldn't be.

Not to mention, I feel like my family is going to be so mad at me. I know my mother wont be happy that I am rejecting the name she picked and my dad will probably make uncomfortable mocking of Maxine to help cope. Dad likes to mock names, its his thing.

My two best friends talked with me today about it and they said they would try their best, which is completely fine by me. It'll take me a while to get used to responding to Maxie let alone them processing it in their heads. But that did make me feel a little better, I just cant get over how selffish I feel over the name change thing. I hope this feeling passes soon.

Why I am Changing my Name and How it Makes Me Feel

I have always wanted to change my name. I hated the name given to me at birth for so many reasons. "Kerri" is at first a strange spelling of a name. Why couldn't my mother just spell it Carrie like a normal person? . I also hated the sound of my name. It wasn't pretty. But lastly, I hated that there was no decent nickname and its obviously feminine. The only nickname I got was Kare Bear, which bore its own problems from my mother's mother and her abusive tendancies to my ex boyfriend who was emotionally abusive. So even if the person calling me it has the best of intentions its hard on me.  I also always wanted to have a name that was more androgynous.

In 3rd grade, I started thinking about names and liked the names Samantha and Maxine. Both could be shortened to guys names. Samantha is far too popular and I prefer the sound of Max or Maxine, always have. Over the years since age 8 to age 23, I have toyed with several names. Many were celtic or Greek from my pagan days and none of them really stuck. So when I started to really think about it again, I came back to Maxine. I hadn't thought about it much over my teen years because there were the legal boundaries. I now know that Maxine is the first name that I want.

I am, however, having trouble coming up with a middle name. The name I was considering was "Nolan" after Nolan Ryan the famous baseball pitcher, who is one of the primary reasons that I became a feminist.

I did mention to my mother that I was going to change my name. I dont think she really believed me and she was not thrilled by Maxine. I need to continue doing research and decide on a middle name so when I am ready to go and get it changed. I will be completely ready.

I know that its my legal name and since I haven't made a public announcement to change it, people will inevitably call me by it. But I almost feel like people use my name more now than ever before. I might be more sensitive to it now but I dont ever remember hearing or seeing my name so much. I feel like I am always being called "Kerri." I mean as much as I used to hate when LaNae called me 'dude,' right now I would almost prefer it. At least its not 'Kerri.' I can't expect much until I inform people, but I just feel that its awkward to tell people. I have no clue how to tell people what I want my name to be.