Why I am Changing my Name and How it Makes Me Feel

I have always wanted to change my name. I hated the name given to me at birth for so many reasons. "Kerri" is at first a strange spelling of a name. Why couldn't my mother just spell it Carrie like a normal person? . I also hated the sound of my name. It wasn't pretty. But lastly, I hated that there was no decent nickname and its obviously feminine. The only nickname I got was Kare Bear, which bore its own problems from my mother's mother and her abusive tendancies to my ex boyfriend who was emotionally abusive. So even if the person calling me it has the best of intentions its hard on me.  I also always wanted to have a name that was more androgynous.

In 3rd grade, I started thinking about names and liked the names Samantha and Maxine. Both could be shortened to guys names. Samantha is far too popular and I prefer the sound of Max or Maxine, always have. Over the years since age 8 to age 23, I have toyed with several names. Many were celtic or Greek from my pagan days and none of them really stuck. So when I started to really think about it again, I came back to Maxine. I hadn't thought about it much over my teen years because there were the legal boundaries. I now know that Maxine is the first name that I want.

I am, however, having trouble coming up with a middle name. The name I was considering was "Nolan" after Nolan Ryan the famous baseball pitcher, who is one of the primary reasons that I became a feminist.

I did mention to my mother that I was going to change my name. I dont think she really believed me and she was not thrilled by Maxine. I need to continue doing research and decide on a middle name so when I am ready to go and get it changed. I will be completely ready.

I know that its my legal name and since I haven't made a public announcement to change it, people will inevitably call me by it. But I almost feel like people use my name more now than ever before. I might be more sensitive to it now but I dont ever remember hearing or seeing my name so much. I feel like I am always being called "Kerri." I mean as much as I used to hate when LaNae called me 'dude,' right now I would almost prefer it. At least its not 'Kerri.' I can't expect much until I inform people, but I just feel that its awkward to tell people. I have no clue how to tell people what I want my name to be.